24 weeks pregnant and 32 weeks pregnant
Or maybe this letter should be just
Dear myself...
I am 33 weeks pregnant with baby #5. I am so excited that we are having another baby. The big kids are all pretty excited. Adell, naturally, does not really get what is happening but she acts excited right along with Lorien, Wyatt and Clare.
Today, Wyatt got to feel the baby kick during church. We've all been so busy and the baby seems to really whomp it up after the kids are in bed--none of the kids have really felt the baby move yet. For some reason the baby likes to kick my butt from the inside during church. Maybe s/he does not like the sitting position I have to take during sacrament meeting? Anyway, the baby was kicking me and Wyatt was sitting on my right side (where the baby does most of his/her kicks) I asked Wyatt if he wanted to feel the baby? He put his hand over the side of my big-ole-belly and a few seconds later the baby slowly drew his/her foot along the space where Wyatt has his hand. Wyatt looked up at me and we both started laughing. It was fun to share some of this "alien-movement" with him.
Like I said, the baby likes to move at night. Many nights I cannot fall asleep because the baby is kicking so much. A few nights ago I made Will wrap his arm around my right side to feel the crazy kicks. We talked about how excited we both were when we got to feel Lorien moving for the first time. We talked about the magic of a first pregnancy and how every thing is new and wonderful. Will thanked me for pulling him into this pregnancy. I get it, it is harder to feel the magic the fifth time around. Mostly, I just feel the discomfort.
That being said, I am so thankful to be feeling all of this again. I think this will be the very last baby I have. Strike that, I know this is the last baby I will birth. If there are more Anderson children who need to come to our home we are going to have to adopt them. My body is done growing and birthing babies. I love babies and it is sad to think this will be the last one I have--because they grow up despite my best efforts. But I feel very much at peace with making this the last baby I birth. I am not 100% certain what the future holds for our family and its size but I am confident in closing the "pregnancy" chapter in my life.
Just for my own memories and recollections, here are the reasons I feel like we are done having children after baby #5.
Physically, I do not want to do this any more. I was the sickest I have ever been with any of my pregnancies with this one. Even taking Unisom and B6 I would start barfing at 3:00 pm and couldn't stop. More than once I even jumped out of bed in the middle of the night to barf. It was horrible. Finally I upped my dosage and started taking the Unisom/B6 twice a day. That helped but I still felt pretty crummy.
As the pregnancy has progressed my physical ailments have worsened. My varicose veins are so, so, so painful. I do not know how my Mom did it?!? She started having varicose veins with her third pregnancy (just like me) and had seven more children with out fixing those veins! The pain from these veins is constant and I don't want to keep doing this. Also, my hips, oh my hips! With each pregnancy my hip joints have gotten weaker and weaker. At this point I am just waiting for them to give out all together leaving me in a heap some where. My right hip is the worst. By days end I am hobbling around if I can move at all. Several times Will has had to come and hold me up so I could walk back to bed. The last physical ailment I am ready to be done with is heart burn. I don't get the acid-creeping-up-my-esophagus heart burn. I get the icy-hot-poker-being-drilled-into-my-pancake-flat-stomach heart burn. It is painful and constant. Full of food or empty the space under my left rib cage is this thick line of icy-hot pain. I think this is because my belly never sticks out very far. My babies grow up, and up and up into my ribs and don't get a lot of out space. I find myself trying to stretch my belly out to make more room and take some pressure of my stomach.
My other reasons focus on my quality of parenting. I know with each child my love grows for all of my children. Seeing them grow and change is miraculous. However, I know with each child my attention is being divided again. I love all of my children--all together and individually--and I want to make sure I can make the time for each one. I know lots of large families and some have managed to give each child the attention they need and others have been less successful at attending to individuals. I don't know for sure where my quality of parenting would fall if we were to have lots more children. I do know that right now I feel comfortable with the care and attention I can give my kids. Sure, I wish I could give more but I don't feel like any one is falling through the cracks. Things are going along pretty well--despite my craziness.
Finally, I've given this a lot of spiritual thought. In all of my digging I have found lots of talks and guidance from Prophets and Apostles about families and child rearing. No one puts out a number of children families should have. They also don't come out and give specific reasons why parents should or should not have children--just that families are good and important. The best specific information I have found has been that families should not wait to have children for financial reasons. Children are a blessing and it is OK to struggle financially while you raise children. No one says you should have children if you cannot afford to feed, clothe or shelter them just that you don't need to be living in high style in order to have children. None of my reasons for being done having children have to do with finances. I think Wyatt and this baby are the only two born when we felt really financially stable, Lorien and Clare were born when we were living on a student's income (or lack there of) and Adell was born when Will was technically unemployed! No, we are not afraid to struggle financially while we have children. All of our families needs are met and it is OK if we want for luxury items.
Well Fifth Baby, or myself...I hope this letter is insightful later on. Right now it is late at night and I am pretty sure I am not making much sense. I do love you baby #5 and I am so excited to meet you in about seven weeks!
Love,
Momma
